Random Blog Post #2

Tyrannosaurus rex doesn't know how to have a good time...

World of Warcraft VS Real Life #3

This week's comic, though last minute, is now here! Enjoy. Click for full size. : D

The Wedding

Oh so close, so close. Rolling: So unfair and yet true to justice... Come back Monday for another WoW VS RL!

Cooking is for Manly Men!

Not to worry! A new revolutionary method of cooking has been created for men like you!

If cooking eggs makes you feel like a wimpy three legged dog, try our new egg products!

Man Eggs are not just one sad little egg. Oh no, they're four genetically mutated modified eggs in one, packed with enough proteins and vitamins to turn you into the hulk. There's so much man power in them that they're on fire! Making all the sissy work of cracking a thin shell a man's work. Feel the excessive and pointless fiery burn as you cook your morning manfest!

Are you tired of wearing your old woman's silly apron? Does it make you feel like feeding your dog one of your testicles?

We know the feeling all too well.

 There's a product for that! It's called the Manpron and is one of the toughest pieces of fabric on the market today.

 The Manpron is made from 100% shark fur. That's right. Shark fur. That's 300 pounds of fire resistant material weighing you down. It's equipped with fossilized baby Tyrannosaurus rex teeth to keep your Manpron from slipping and with four louoferringnese horns, the toughest, most deadly animal defense mechanisms to ever exist! If your cooking ever gets boring( we doubt it), just blow into one of the four louoferringnese horns for a surprise!

Manprons come in three awesome manly colors of your choice! No stupid artificial coloring here. All Manprons are made with 100% natural ingredients!

Do you hate lightly sprinkling salt over your tasty dishes with a puny little spoon? You won't anymore with the Salt Mincer! This device is specially made to extract your very own bodily salt using only the manliest method! Mincing! Simply smack the hell out of your self and the Salt Mincer will do all the rest, converting your blood into a tasty spice!

Bandaids are for little girls in pig tails.

Say it with pride, you man you.

Fear of Spiders No More?

I found this spider living behind my door, close to the floor. I thought it was kinda cute. It was one of those daddy long legs species, the one with the teeny tiny body and the really skinny legs. Which, according the the world's most accurate source of information, aren't actual spiders but arachnids. Still as nasty and creepy though.

So there was this giant terminator ant walking across my floor and well, I wasn't sure I wanted it to live, but I didn't want to kill it. This led to me giving it a good smack with my sandal. Then, it was just there, seemingly paralyzed in the middle of my floor. Then I remembered Rick(that's what I named the somewhat cute spider I found behind my door). I picked up the ant and put it in the web. Rick finished him off for me and rolled him up in his web.

Just then, I liked Rick a little more. Even though I wanted to kill him, I decided to let him live for a while.

Well, today I went to the mall, and when I got back, Rick was gone. Yeah, my mom killed him. It was a very sad moment for spiders everywhere, but just when I thought my arachnophobia had died along with Rick, one of those wild, outdoor spiders popped into my room and... I freaked.

Boyfriend killed him while I went to higher ground and screamed. Damn spiders.

I used to have another pet spider too. His name was Bob and he used to live near the bathroom sink. I would feed him every morning before school. Then, one day, I came home and Bob wasn't there. Damn my mother and her spring cleaning.

I'll never have a spider friend again.

All right, so I promise to quit the spider blogs for a while. Really, no more. But stay tuned! I have a great post planned for all of you that is sure to put a smile on your face.

I hope.

Random Blog Post

My friend was over yesterday and she demanded that I draw her something on my tablet. I really had no idea what to draw so I told her to tell me. She said "Draw a modern dinosaur" and I instantly thought of this...

Yes, a Tyrannosaurus rex at the movie theaters. It would seem they never properly assimilated into society...

I Hate Spiders: Part 2

When I got back from the dentist today, there was a goat in my backyard. Apparently we're taking care of it for some friends. Well, like any animal loving person, I went to go pet it. It was cute and furry and had this scared look on its face that said "I'm a goat. Don't hurt me."

So there I was, innocently petting a goat, leaning over a table in my backyard. No harm could come to me, right? Wrong. I walk back inside, go into the living room, and just stand there talking to my brother when out of nowhere, my spider senses begin to tingle and I am forced to look down at my knee. Do you know what I saw? I think you know what I saw. It was an evil yellow spider. Yellow is the color of death in the animal kingdom, I'll have you know.

I tried to calmly deal with the situation. First, I scraped it off my knee and onto the couch. Then I got a real good look at it and I started thinking "What if it laid eggs in my pants/knees?" So like a mad man, I ripped my pants right off and threw them on the ground. Yes, I was screaming the entire time. And yes, there were people in my house.

 I nearly ran out of my house in my underwear and would have if I hadn't thought it was my civic duty to have that spider killed. I called my mom. She came and smacked it with her hand. Her hand! And then she chased me out of the house with her palm sticking out at me, spider guts galore. She is a cruel woman sometimes.

Spiders are evil. All they want to do is lay eggs in you. It's true.

The Ice Cream Boss

For some reason, my dad would always give me 20 dollar bills when I was a kid. He didn't do this all the time. In fact, I usually had to beg him for money, do the puppy dog eyes, pout-y lips, the whole spiel. But when he did, I would always tell myself that I would spend it responsibly.

And then I heard that hypnotizing tune.

 Okay, fine. Ice cream "person"

As soon as that jingle hit our ears, my friends and I would run towards the jolly yum yum truck like a bunch of running bulls! The run was always one of the most exciting parts about ice cream. Nearly every kid in the neighborhood turned into professional athletes. I wasn't one of them...

Obviously, running isn't my thing.

Any 90's kid knows how cheap everything in the ice cream truck was. Most candy and chips were 25 cents or less. And the ice cream wasn't far off ever. I remember the most expensive thing being Luigi's Italian ice for a dollar. Yeah, buying that always made me feel special.

Well, when the ice cream was around, it wasn't about who was the fastest, or who could jump higher; It was all about who could buy the most junk. With 20 bucks, I could easily buy the most junk, and earn myself a little title I like to call "Ice Cream Boss."

The Ice Cream Man- Featuring me as the Ice Cream Boss

Yeah, I was like the mac daddy of frozen treats. All the kids, boys and girls, wanted me to be their sugah mama. Cause I had the green. I'd point at 10 or 20 things to buy and then I'd ask for a shopping bag. Yes, a shopping bag. You know what those are? Those are strictly for adults, that's what.

Now, I'd give away some to my good friends and skip all the way home, dying to throw my self on the couch, watch some cartoons, and eat my ice cream. Here is where my spending-20-dollars-on-ice-cream plan was somewhat flawed.

I walk in the door, bags in hand, looking adult, on the path to the couch when I am met by something unexpected...

Mom.

She'd scream and she'd yell. But then I would give her an ice cream; coconut bar, her favorite. Slowly, her fury would disappear and the creature would sink back into the abyss that is the kitchen. And so, my plan unfolds as it should. : D

One Million Giraffes?!

There's this guy, on the internets, right here and now, who's attempting to collect one million giraffe pictures before 2011! He made a bet with his friend who thinks it's absolutely impossible, but so far this guy has managed to collect 955,948! So, there's only 147 days left and he's so close.

This is the part where I ask you all to join in! Go to his website OneMillionGiraffes and submit your drawing of a giraffe. But there are rules...You can't submit anything you didn't make and nothing computer drawn! That's right, take a deep breath. If I did it, you can do it too!

Here's my submission made out of 810 post-its! Sounds more epic then it really is. I couldn't decide which picture is best...:

Send in your giraffes and post a link to them in the comments below! I wanna seeeeeee!

World of Warcraft VS Real Life #2

This week's interesting series: WoW Vendors! In real life... Yeah, it doesn't work the same way. Click on the picture for maximum enjoyment. : D

Gimme My Gold

I wonder what happened next. : /

My First Fight

When I was in the third grade, I was always getting picked on. Kids would call me names like vampire and fish bowl eyes, just 'cause I had a small case of dark circles, and throw stuff at me. But one day, I had it with their name calling. I grew fiery and tired of stupid kids and their stupid names and that afternoon, I vowed that the next person who messed with me wouldn't live to see another badly written teenage drama. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but they would be the last who ever messed with me!

It was a rainy afternoon that day, when my teacher finally dismissed the class. I was eager to get on the bus since I have a slight aversion to rain. But alas, it would not be my destiny. The security goons forced us to huddle under a teeny tiny shelter, all 285 + of us. I don't know how they thought that would be a good idea. It wasn't.

So there I was, standing innocently with my 10 pound backpack, looking at my little black shoes, when all of a sudden, I lost my balance and fell into this giant, black probably African-American 5th grader.

Stupid 5th Grader: Gurl, you best watch where you goin'.

Me: Sorry, it was an accident.

Stupid 5th Grader: I dun give a $#%$ what it was, it better not happen again.

Me: I said sorry.

Stupid 5th Grader:  You better not back talk me again, you ugly #@$ gurl.

And just as she was walking away, even though everything inside me screamed not to, my mouth flung open.

Me: F#@K YOU!

She turned around, pushed everyone out of her way, and lunged at my neck like a pit bull would jump on a juicy steak, except a lot less cute. Oh ho ho, but I would not go down without a fight! I wrapped my teeny tiny fingers around her neck and pressed my sharp thin nails deep,deep into her skin and throat. I could see her eyes welling up with pain and she squeezed harder. The tears were building up behind my eyes but I would not give her the satisfaction.

Then, after what seemed like an hour, the assistant principal came out of nowhere and pulled her off me. Now, she's a giant and I'm this itty bitty little girl, so guess who got in trouble? Muahahahaha! As she walked away, she stroked her neck and winced, tears flowing down her sweaty skin. I walked towards my bus, and even though I very badly wanted to stroke my own neck, I refused and waited till I got home to cry my little eyes out and tell my teddy bear everything. Yes, I was a fruity little girl.

But I won. 

Hoe.

I'm Sick

I caught a bug from Boyfriend. My throat is all scratchy and sad. I sound like something else completely. You know the Microsoft Sam voice? Yeah? Well, I sound like him if he had done a lifetime of cocaine starting from the tender age of 12, got a deviated septum, died from choking on a toilet paper roll, and came back as a zombie. That's about right, give or take some. I don't look any better either.

And whenever I talk, my throat burns! It's so painful. Everything around me shakes and I might as well be a homemade flamethrower.

It's not pretty.

The fact that I went to the beach yesterday and ate enough for a small country probably doesn't help either. I have a softness for chocolate chip cookies...And chicken...And fries...And most junk food, really.

Yum!

I've tried everything; Eating a spoonful of honey; sucking on a lemon with black pepper; salt and water gargle. Nothing has worked. I would go out and buy some medicine, but that requires money. I have no money. I'm in debt already, thanks to college, so I think I'll just have to stick out this cold.

Plus, it's very hard to get me to go to the doctor. The nurses hate me there because there have been some incidents where I may have scratched at one's face here and there. Well, I don't like needles. Yes, I'm also deathly afraid of needles. And the dentist. But mostly spiders.

I hate going to the doctor, and have been tricked into going many times.

At least I'm not as bad as my brother who turns white and faints at the sight of a needle. I kinda blame myself for that since we used to go to the doctor together when we were younger. My mother would make me go first and I would cry and make a big deal so I must have passed it down to him. And then I also taunted him just a little bit in the waiting room. It was the only way I could deal with the fact that I would be getting pricked too. Yes, I am the best big sister ever. In my defense, he was a very annoying little bug!

Some time in the 90s.

Oops?...I guess I'm sick in more ways than one.

Mom's Done It Again

All right, she is seriously starting to dominate this blog. My 50 year old, Cuban mother did the weirdest thing today. My family, friends, and I were heading to the beach, right? So Boyfriend picked up the friends and brought them to my house. We were already waiting to head out to Key Biscayne when my mother comes over to the car to greet my friends and it happened. It's like the space time continuum just ripped open.

I don't even know what that is! Shortly after, we looked at each other and burst into laughter. Later, when I confronted her about it she said "Face. You know, when you don't want to kiss a person on the face because they're too far away or just nasty. You say 'Face!' Like that. I learned it from some 'pajarito' on Univision."

Yeah, I got faced by my mom.

The Ningtengdo Gui

My mother approached me this afternoon, leaning on the doorway while I was on the computer. I looked up and she proceeded to tell me a funny story. This is translated from Spanish, except the words that aren't Spanish, like gui. Those I keep the same.


Mother: Your cousin is getting a gui.

Me: A what?

Mother: A gui.

Me: Gui? What's that?

Mother: Ay, you know. A gui! With the controls that go pio pio and make you move around.

Me: A Wii?

Mother: Yeah, a gui.

Me: No, not a "gui", a Wii.

Mother: A gui.

Me: Wii.

Mother: Gui!

Me: Wii!

Mother: Gui!

Me: Okay, repeat after me. Woo-ie

Mother: Goo-ie.

Me: No, Wah sound. Wah. Wii.

Mother: Wah....Wah....Gwua...Gui?

Me: Yes, perfect. Gui. 

Here, have a listen. My two cousins are making fun of my mother and the word Gui. She didn't know I was recording. Shh, it's our little secret.

She almost had it at the end there. Somewhere in the middle, she says it all low and relaxed. Gui. My mama, she so funny. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a Gui, something like a game console built out of guava pastries. Mmm, guava.