Fear of Spiders No More?

I found this spider living behind my door, close to the floor. I thought it was kinda cute. It was one of those daddy long legs species, the one with the teeny tiny body and the really skinny legs. Which, according the the world's most accurate source of information, aren't actual spiders but arachnids. Still as nasty and creepy though.

So there was this giant terminator ant walking across my floor and well, I wasn't sure I wanted it to live, but I didn't want to kill it. This led to me giving it a good smack with my sandal. Then, it was just there, seemingly paralyzed in the middle of my floor. Then I remembered Rick(that's what I named the somewhat cute spider I found behind my door). I picked up the ant and put it in the web. Rick finished him off for me and rolled him up in his web.

Just then, I liked Rick a little more. Even though I wanted to kill him, I decided to let him live for a while.

Well, today I went to the mall, and when I got back, Rick was gone. Yeah, my mom killed him. It was a very sad moment for spiders everywhere, but just when I thought my arachnophobia had died along with Rick, one of those wild, outdoor spiders popped into my room and... I freaked.

Boyfriend killed him while I went to higher ground and screamed. Damn spiders.

I used to have another pet spider too. His name was Bob and he used to live near the bathroom sink. I would feed him every morning before school. Then, one day, I came home and Bob wasn't there. Damn my mother and her spring cleaning.

I'll never have a spider friend again.

All right, so I promise to quit the spider blogs for a while. Really, no more. But stay tuned! I have a great post planned for all of you that is sure to put a smile on your face.

I hope.

I Hate Spiders: Part 2

When I got back from the dentist today, there was a goat in my backyard. Apparently we're taking care of it for some friends. Well, like any animal loving person, I went to go pet it. It was cute and furry and had this scared look on its face that said "I'm a goat. Don't hurt me."

So there I was, innocently petting a goat, leaning over a table in my backyard. No harm could come to me, right? Wrong. I walk back inside, go into the living room, and just stand there talking to my brother when out of nowhere, my spider senses begin to tingle and I am forced to look down at my knee. Do you know what I saw? I think you know what I saw. It was an evil yellow spider. Yellow is the color of death in the animal kingdom, I'll have you know.

I tried to calmly deal with the situation. First, I scraped it off my knee and onto the couch. Then I got a real good look at it and I started thinking "What if it laid eggs in my pants/knees?" So like a mad man, I ripped my pants right off and threw them on the ground. Yes, I was screaming the entire time. And yes, there were people in my house.

 I nearly ran out of my house in my underwear and would have if I hadn't thought it was my civic duty to have that spider killed. I called my mom. She came and smacked it with her hand. Her hand! And then she chased me out of the house with her palm sticking out at me, spider guts galore. She is a cruel woman sometimes.

Spiders are evil. All they want to do is lay eggs in you. It's true.

I Hate Spiders: Part 1

Last night, Brother was walking into my room when he saw a spider coming out of the hallway closet. He looked at me and told me and I proceeded to freak out on the inside. I was trying to remain as calm as possible; I am deathly afraid of spiders.

Brother: Oh my god, there's a spider right there.

Me: Where?

Brother: In the hallway.

Me: Oh, that's a big one.

Brother: Kill it.

Me: No, you kill it. Here, take this post it note and just smack it.

Brother: No, I'm scared.

Me: It's not gonna touch you! Just put the post it over it and step on it.

Brother: No, you do it.

Me: It's not moving.

Brother: So? That's good.

Me: No, that's menacing.

Right then, I was really wishing Boyfriend was around. He is the one who courageously kills spiders for me. Alas, it was up to me. Heroically, I snatched a post it away from its pad and looked at the spider. I weighed my options. This was no daddy long legs. It was a spider spider. From the outdoors. Not some prissy little house spider. It was small, but I'm sure it packed a punch. I could go for an aerial attack...

 No, that won't work. It might see me. I'll have to squish it in a more sensible way. I took my tripod box and stamped a post it on one end. Wouldn't want to get spider guts all over my tripod box...Then, I went out into the hallway, slowly sneaking towards it. As soon as I could extend my arm over the spider, I proceeded to smash the hell out of it.

After my victory, I made sure it was dead and walked backwards into my room, watching it's dead spider body. They've been known to come back to life suddenly. I sat on my bed to think about how many more spiders must be in my house. At least 20.

I panicked and put on two pairs of pajama pants just in case there were any under my sheets.

There's nothing I hate more than spiders. Of everything in the world, they are the things I dread the most. Those skinny little legs that can fit through the pores of your skin and those beady little eyes with their heat vision(oh trust me, they have heat vision. It's the only way they can find me over and over again) just disgust me.

My boyfriend's always asking me why I'm afraid of spiders. "Most of them aren't even poisonous." You know what else isn't poisonous? Bears. Sharks. Freakin' pterodactyls. Sorry Boyfriend, Mom, and Dad, but your argument is obviously flawed.

 It's not poisonous. No need to worry about your brain.

"They're so small. What could they possibly do to you?" Gee, I don't know. Bite me in places I myself can't even reach? Crawl into my ear and lay eggs? Join forces with other spiders and carry me away to their evil underground lair where they cut up humans for some satanic ritual that will help them conquer the world? I think I've proven that size doesn't matter.

Did you know one spider can have up to 250 hellish spider spawn? That means, if you fail to kill a spider in your house, you'll end up with 250 free loaders just eating up all your ants, sitting in your corners, watching you with those beady eyes.... That's a whole battalion of spiders just waiting to attack, growing strong in the shadows.

Well, two. But you get the point.

It's okay to be afraid of spiders. They're a real threat to the world. It's completely normal. And all those people out there who share my hatred for spiders deserve an award because life is hard when you live with your enemies.

Spider Hate Badge! Put it on your website and support spider haters everywhere! Because we don't have an irrational fear of spiders. You people have an irrational love for them. Creeps.

This picture 100% spider free.

Okay, end of spider hating rant. But I'll be back with more fruitilicious spider hatin' later.