I Hate Spiders: Part 1

Last night, Brother was walking into my room when he saw a spider coming out of the hallway closet. He looked at me and told me and I proceeded to freak out on the inside. I was trying to remain as calm as possible; I am deathly afraid of spiders.

Brother: Oh my god, there's a spider right there.

Me: Where?

Brother: In the hallway.

Me: Oh, that's a big one.

Brother: Kill it.

Me: No, you kill it. Here, take this post it note and just smack it.

Brother: No, I'm scared.

Me: It's not gonna touch you! Just put the post it over it and step on it.

Brother: No, you do it.

Me: It's not moving.

Brother: So? That's good.

Me: No, that's menacing.

Right then, I was really wishing Boyfriend was around. He is the one who courageously kills spiders for me. Alas, it was up to me. Heroically, I snatched a post it away from its pad and looked at the spider. I weighed my options. This was no daddy long legs. It was a spider spider. From the outdoors. Not some prissy little house spider. It was small, but I'm sure it packed a punch. I could go for an aerial attack...

 No, that won't work. It might see me. I'll have to squish it in a more sensible way. I took my tripod box and stamped a post it on one end. Wouldn't want to get spider guts all over my tripod box...Then, I went out into the hallway, slowly sneaking towards it. As soon as I could extend my arm over the spider, I proceeded to smash the hell out of it.

After my victory, I made sure it was dead and walked backwards into my room, watching it's dead spider body. They've been known to come back to life suddenly. I sat on my bed to think about how many more spiders must be in my house. At least 20.

I panicked and put on two pairs of pajama pants just in case there were any under my sheets.

There's nothing I hate more than spiders. Of everything in the world, they are the things I dread the most. Those skinny little legs that can fit through the pores of your skin and those beady little eyes with their heat vision(oh trust me, they have heat vision. It's the only way they can find me over and over again) just disgust me.

My boyfriend's always asking me why I'm afraid of spiders. "Most of them aren't even poisonous." You know what else isn't poisonous? Bears. Sharks. Freakin' pterodactyls. Sorry Boyfriend, Mom, and Dad, but your argument is obviously flawed.

 It's not poisonous. No need to worry about your brain.

"They're so small. What could they possibly do to you?" Gee, I don't know. Bite me in places I myself can't even reach? Crawl into my ear and lay eggs? Join forces with other spiders and carry me away to their evil underground lair where they cut up humans for some satanic ritual that will help them conquer the world? I think I've proven that size doesn't matter.

Did you know one spider can have up to 250 hellish spider spawn? That means, if you fail to kill a spider in your house, you'll end up with 250 free loaders just eating up all your ants, sitting in your corners, watching you with those beady eyes.... That's a whole battalion of spiders just waiting to attack, growing strong in the shadows.

Well, two. But you get the point.

It's okay to be afraid of spiders. They're a real threat to the world. It's completely normal. And all those people out there who share my hatred for spiders deserve an award because life is hard when you live with your enemies.

Spider Hate Badge! Put it on your website and support spider haters everywhere! Because we don't have an irrational fear of spiders. You people have an irrational love for them. Creeps.

This picture 100% spider free.

Okay, end of spider hating rant. But I'll be back with more fruitilicious spider hatin' later.