How To Choose A Major

As you already know from reading a previous post, I had as much trouble picking a major as anyone else in the world. My good friend, Gabriel, is still undecided, so I am writing this post with him as my muse, a post to end all suffering for freshmen and seniors alike.

I will tell you the secret. I will tell you HOW to pick a major.

BUT WAIT! Not only will I tell you how, but for three monthly payments of 29.99, I can also be your independent major mentor, and follow you around until you have finally decided on something! Just click here to get started!

I will ALSO show you how to be happy with your decisions. So, let's get started!

First, you will want to pick one career title you really wanted to be when you were in high school or elementary. This step is very important. Don't worry, this is by no means your final decision. After settling down on one, make sure to tell everyone you know(and tell your parents to tell everyone they know) about your future trials and tribulations on the road towards doctor, lawyer, neurologist(this one was mine), etc. Now, you need to pretend like this is a complete reality. Sell your story!

Don't be afraid to tell people you don't know either!

The next step is to throw away money on random courses you don't need and/or have absolutely no interest in. This will allow you to increase your love for subjects you thought you hated before. That is, before taking some of the world's worst classes.

History of Corn?...

Golf Management?! Can it get any worse?

COLLEGE ALGEBRA KILLS GIRAFFES!

After taking the courses from the previous step, make a list of every class you've taken and order them from least to most liked. Those at the top of your list are courses that may lead to a career you can bear to do for the next 30-50 years(depending on whether or not you get insurance benefits).

Now that you have a major, you should be happy. Wait, what? You're not? No problemo. Just keep yourself constantly distracted from your dim future using any activity you prefer.