Why I'll Always Be A Procrastinator

There are three types of procrastinators in the world. The fail procrastinator, the average procrastinator, and the rare, elusive successful procrastinator.

Fail procrastinators don't know how to procrastinate properly. They'll start tasks and then leave them until after their due dates. Sometimes, fail procrastinators exhibit UBC syndrome, or Unreliable Boost of Confidence syndrome, in where they'll do a task but do it 101% wrong, completely and utterly failing.

Fail Procrastinator.

The average procrastinator knows very well the extent of their abilities. They could very easily ace assignments, but choose not to because they refuse to accept responsibility. However, average procrastinators refuse to fail, and as so have adopted the motto "If you put effort into something, it'll be more than nothing." Most of these procrastinators fall into the category of "boyfriend."

The successful procrastinator might not even be a procrastinator at all. Just a smart but really,really lazy person. Successful procrastinators hope to scrap by with average work, but somehow always end up producing high quality content. This kind of procrastinator does not doubt their ability to complete tasks, but much rather prefers to be writing blogs about other kinds of procrastinators, eating french fries, and drawing mediocre cartoons. Sometimes, successful procrastinators put off assignments until the very last second, just because they enjoy the thrill.

Now that you have some background information, let me explain to you why I'll always be some kind of procrastinator.

1. I Can Time Travel, Sort of
For some reason or another, I can control time. No, really. I can. Whenever I need more time, I just conjur it up (More on time travel later). I don't know how to make it go faster though. Here's how it works. I concentrate really hard, bend over just a bit, and let it all out. My good friend George drew it out for me. It looks something like that down there.

Time magically spews out of my ass.

2. I Know When It's Time to Call it Quits
Unlike regular procrastinators, I can tell the difference between practical and impractical. If I have two seconds to finish writing a sentence, I won't wait until that last 1/25th of a nanosecond. That's just stupid. Let me give you a real world example. On most days, I get hungry. On most days, I get lazy. When those two combine, it usually means I'm going to be hungry for a long time.

See, I've worked out the perfect method. I only get up to go make food seconds before my stomach is about to eat me. That way, I have lounged around enough and still avoided death. : D

Don't be a victim of hunger.

3. All of my Friends are Procrastinators Too
Even Boyfriend is an avid procrastinator, though he's not so good at it. I take it upon myself to teach him the secrets of procrastination!

4. It Makes People Think Worse of Me
Everyone thinks I'm a goodie-two shoes. But ha! I'm a huge procrastinator. What goodie-two shoes waits for the last second to finish a project worth 30% of their grade. That's right-Me!

Somehow, people have a hard time believing it.

5. Somehow, It Always Works Out
I aim for average, but it always comes out better than I worked for. More than 50% of the time, I leave stuff for the last second and still come out winning. Maybe I'm just really lucky.

Even as a, *gulp*, adult I'm a procrastinator. It's easy, challenging, and it works. Wait no, that's not the reason why. I can just spend my time doing less important things all day. Yeah, that's it! What a life. : D