The Ningtengdo Gui

My mother approached me this afternoon, leaning on the doorway while I was on the computer. I looked up and she proceeded to tell me a funny story. This is translated from Spanish, except the words that aren't Spanish, like gui. Those I keep the same.


Mother: Your cousin is getting a gui.

Me: A what?

Mother: A gui.

Me: Gui? What's that?

Mother: Ay, you know. A gui! With the controls that go pio pio and make you move around.

Me: A Wii?

Mother: Yeah, a gui.

Me: No, not a "gui", a Wii.

Mother: A gui.

Me: Wii.

Mother: Gui!

Me: Wii!

Mother: Gui!

Me: Okay, repeat after me. Woo-ie

Mother: Goo-ie.

Me: No, Wah sound. Wah. Wii.

Mother: Wah....Wah....Gwua...Gui?

Me: Yes, perfect. Gui. 

Here, have a listen. My two cousins are making fun of my mother and the word Gui. She didn't know I was recording. Shh, it's our little secret.

She almost had it at the end there. Somewhere in the middle, she says it all low and relaxed. Gui. My mama, she so funny. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a Gui, something like a game console built out of guava pastries. Mmm, guava.

Why I'll Always Be A Procrastinator

There are three types of procrastinators in the world. The fail procrastinator, the average procrastinator, and the rare, elusive successful procrastinator.

Fail procrastinators don't know how to procrastinate properly. They'll start tasks and then leave them until after their due dates. Sometimes, fail procrastinators exhibit UBC syndrome, or Unreliable Boost of Confidence syndrome, in where they'll do a task but do it 101% wrong, completely and utterly failing.

Fail Procrastinator.

The average procrastinator knows very well the extent of their abilities. They could very easily ace assignments, but choose not to because they refuse to accept responsibility. However, average procrastinators refuse to fail, and as so have adopted the motto "If you put effort into something, it'll be more than nothing." Most of these procrastinators fall into the category of "boyfriend."

The successful procrastinator might not even be a procrastinator at all. Just a smart but really,really lazy person. Successful procrastinators hope to scrap by with average work, but somehow always end up producing high quality content. This kind of procrastinator does not doubt their ability to complete tasks, but much rather prefers to be writing blogs about other kinds of procrastinators, eating french fries, and drawing mediocre cartoons. Sometimes, successful procrastinators put off assignments until the very last second, just because they enjoy the thrill.

Now that you have some background information, let me explain to you why I'll always be some kind of procrastinator.

1. I Can Time Travel, Sort of
For some reason or another, I can control time. No, really. I can. Whenever I need more time, I just conjur it up (More on time travel later). I don't know how to make it go faster though. Here's how it works. I concentrate really hard, bend over just a bit, and let it all out. My good friend George drew it out for me. It looks something like that down there.

Time magically spews out of my ass.

2. I Know When It's Time to Call it Quits
Unlike regular procrastinators, I can tell the difference between practical and impractical. If I have two seconds to finish writing a sentence, I won't wait until that last 1/25th of a nanosecond. That's just stupid. Let me give you a real world example. On most days, I get hungry. On most days, I get lazy. When those two combine, it usually means I'm going to be hungry for a long time.

See, I've worked out the perfect method. I only get up to go make food seconds before my stomach is about to eat me. That way, I have lounged around enough and still avoided death. : D

Don't be a victim of hunger.

3. All of my Friends are Procrastinators Too
Even Boyfriend is an avid procrastinator, though he's not so good at it. I take it upon myself to teach him the secrets of procrastination!

4. It Makes People Think Worse of Me
Everyone thinks I'm a goodie-two shoes. But ha! I'm a huge procrastinator. What goodie-two shoes waits for the last second to finish a project worth 30% of their grade. That's right-Me!

Somehow, people have a hard time believing it.

5. Somehow, It Always Works Out
I aim for average, but it always comes out better than I worked for. More than 50% of the time, I leave stuff for the last second and still come out winning. Maybe I'm just really lucky.

Even as a, *gulp*, adult I'm a procrastinator. It's easy, challenging, and it works. Wait no, that's not the reason why. I can just spend my time doing less important things all day. Yeah, that's it! What a life. : D

Iron Chef

Today I was walking around Target. Originally, I had come for a pretzel, but to everyone who has never been to Target, you can always arrive wanting one thing but you always leave purchasing more than ten. I mean come on, they were selling college-rule composition notebooks for 50 cents. 50 cents! And well, it all kinda went downhill from there.

Somewhere between the toy section and the grocery section, I ran into the clothing equipment aisle. Then I wanted an iron. So there I was, looking for the absolute cheapest one I could find and here's what I saw...

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. The product name is Toastmaster, and the product being sold is indeed an iron. Now, if you're not familiar with Toastmaster, they're pretty well known for selling bungee cords. No, wait, that's not right. I meant toasters. As if that wasn't the icing on the cake, it was also the cheapest iron there. Gee, I wonder why that is...

I'm assuming the commercial for this went something like...

Toast A La Steamè

With Toastmaster 4000, Anyone Can Be Iron Chef!

Hmm, I'm going to have to try that some day soon. Now I'm hungry....

Mosquitoes Suck

I have always wondered if mosquitoes know the extent of their douchebaggery. Do they just fly around looking for the next person to irritate? Or do they sincerely only want to calm their hunger?

Don't be fooled by the whole "Oh I'm sorry, I just need some yum yums in mah belly." Mosquitoes have infrared heat sensors. They know where you are. There are no mosquito bumping into flesh accidents.

And you never know when there's a mosquito around until you've been bitten. Then they're 100% visible to the naked eye and can be heard buzzing in surround sound. Could you imagine how weird/horrible/annoying life would be if people were like mosquitoes?

Awkward...

 I freakin' hate mosquitoes. Just a 1 second suck leaves my face looking like this:

I'm highly allergic.

And they're so ugly. Up close anyway.

Can you believe there are still people who don't want to completely destroy mosquitoes, even though they account for nearly one million deaths a year? "Oh blah,blah the birds will die." No, the birds will find something else to eat, hippies. I'm all for saving the animals, but I freakin' HATE mosquitoes. Would much rather have alligators in my backyard.

I can keep on and on and on about mosquitoes. But instead, let me give you a small(ish) list of things most people don't know about mosquitoes.

1. Only females suck blood, because they need the protein. Right there, that's another species on earth that's giving all the other females a bad name.
2. Millions of years ago, mosquitoes were three times the size we know them to be today. Who knows, they might swell up again.
3. Mosquitoes transmit some of the deadliest diseases, like dengue, yellow fever, west nile virus, and malaria.
4. Mosquitoes can't get HIV. The virus dies in their intestines. Lucky, huh?
5. They suck blood up until they get a signal to stop sucking. In laboratories, the removal of this signal makes them suck up blood until they explode. Greedy bastards.
6. It's easy to not give a damn about mosquitoes exploding.
7. Females mosquitoes live longer then males with a lifespan of 3-100 days versus 10-20 days. 
8. Either one lives long enough to make my head look like a giant blueberry.
9. When they bite you, mosquitoes release chemicals to reduce clotting and pain, but significantly increase irritation. Kind of like a blind date. 
10. There is almost no location in the world to escape the wrath of the mosquito. They even exist in the arctic and have been found 8,000 feet up the Himalayas...
11. They smell you from nearly 300 feet away.
12. Mosquitoes can fly at a speed at 1.5 miles and hour. Not intimidating until you're stuck in a room with them. Or on a treadmill.

There you have it! Things you knew and did not know about the world's most annoying little beast.

World of Warcraft VS Real Life Series #1

For those who aren't no lives, World of Warcraft (WoW) is a popular online multi-player game. Tons of people play. This little comic is the first of more to come on the topic of WoW versus Real Life(RL). Hope all those nerds out there enjoy it!

Don't Drop the Soap

 

No little blob people were harmed during the making of this strip. : D Confused? Go here for more information on ganking.

I Hate Spiders: Part 1

Last night, Brother was walking into my room when he saw a spider coming out of the hallway closet. He looked at me and told me and I proceeded to freak out on the inside. I was trying to remain as calm as possible; I am deathly afraid of spiders.

Brother: Oh my god, there's a spider right there.

Me: Where?

Brother: In the hallway.

Me: Oh, that's a big one.

Brother: Kill it.

Me: No, you kill it. Here, take this post it note and just smack it.

Brother: No, I'm scared.

Me: It's not gonna touch you! Just put the post it over it and step on it.

Brother: No, you do it.

Me: It's not moving.

Brother: So? That's good.

Me: No, that's menacing.

Right then, I was really wishing Boyfriend was around. He is the one who courageously kills spiders for me. Alas, it was up to me. Heroically, I snatched a post it away from its pad and looked at the spider. I weighed my options. This was no daddy long legs. It was a spider spider. From the outdoors. Not some prissy little house spider. It was small, but I'm sure it packed a punch. I could go for an aerial attack...

 No, that won't work. It might see me. I'll have to squish it in a more sensible way. I took my tripod box and stamped a post it on one end. Wouldn't want to get spider guts all over my tripod box...Then, I went out into the hallway, slowly sneaking towards it. As soon as I could extend my arm over the spider, I proceeded to smash the hell out of it.

After my victory, I made sure it was dead and walked backwards into my room, watching it's dead spider body. They've been known to come back to life suddenly. I sat on my bed to think about how many more spiders must be in my house. At least 20.

I panicked and put on two pairs of pajama pants just in case there were any under my sheets.

There's nothing I hate more than spiders. Of everything in the world, they are the things I dread the most. Those skinny little legs that can fit through the pores of your skin and those beady little eyes with their heat vision(oh trust me, they have heat vision. It's the only way they can find me over and over again) just disgust me.

My boyfriend's always asking me why I'm afraid of spiders. "Most of them aren't even poisonous." You know what else isn't poisonous? Bears. Sharks. Freakin' pterodactyls. Sorry Boyfriend, Mom, and Dad, but your argument is obviously flawed.

 It's not poisonous. No need to worry about your brain.

"They're so small. What could they possibly do to you?" Gee, I don't know. Bite me in places I myself can't even reach? Crawl into my ear and lay eggs? Join forces with other spiders and carry me away to their evil underground lair where they cut up humans for some satanic ritual that will help them conquer the world? I think I've proven that size doesn't matter.

Did you know one spider can have up to 250 hellish spider spawn? That means, if you fail to kill a spider in your house, you'll end up with 250 free loaders just eating up all your ants, sitting in your corners, watching you with those beady eyes.... That's a whole battalion of spiders just waiting to attack, growing strong in the shadows.

Well, two. But you get the point.

It's okay to be afraid of spiders. They're a real threat to the world. It's completely normal. And all those people out there who share my hatred for spiders deserve an award because life is hard when you live with your enemies.

Spider Hate Badge! Put it on your website and support spider haters everywhere! Because we don't have an irrational fear of spiders. You people have an irrational love for them. Creeps.

This picture 100% spider free.

Okay, end of spider hating rant. But I'll be back with more fruitilicious spider hatin' later.

Predators Vs. Squidward

I saw Predators in theaters a little bit ago and I came up with an interesting observation. In a specific scene of the movie, the actor Mahershalalhashbaz Ali looks quite a bit like the handsome version of Squidward. If you ever see the movie, pay close attention to the close ups of his face. I couldn't get a still of the scene, but for your convenience, I have found some pictures that work just as well.

It's somewhat subtle. You'll have to look closer. Here, let me break it down for you.

I have made corresponding numbers to each section of the face that share similarities.
1. They both are bald and have a shine spot.
2. Sad eyebrows
3. Nearly exact creases in the middle of sad eyebrows
4. Little or no ears.
5. High cheekbones
6. Wide nostrils
7. Angelina Jolie's trademark pout-y lips

The only things they don't have in common are facial hair and a butt chin. I guess this means that...that...Well, I don't know what it means.But the movie was good. : D

My Brother, The Easter Bunny?

Okay, my brother has been walking around my house wearing a pair of bunny ears for the past week. They were mine but I decided to give them to him on account of not wanting to wear my brother's nasty scalp sweat. Originally, I had bought the bunny ears for an autism charity but to my brother that translated to "Oh my god, you brought bunny ears for my head. Thanks!"

The really sad part? He's 13.

Help...Me.

My Boyfriend is a Hypocrite

Yesterday, my boyfriend, brother, friend, and I were going to see Inception(which we didn't get to see anyway). A little before we left, I was still working on this post, using the tablet for some finishing touches. Boyfriend was getting impatient and bugging me about getting off.

Me: I'm almost done.

Boyfriend: We're going to be late.

Me: I'm finishing up.

Boyfriend: Get the hell off the computer! You still have to change!

Me: Dammit, I said I'm finishing up!

Boyfriend: LET'S GO!

Me: I know what I'm doing! We're not going to be late!

Boyfriend: Get...Off.

Me: *whimpers*...Okay, Fine!



Finally, I get up and go to the bathroom. I come back, dressed and ready to go. Do you know what I find? Do you know what was in my room? Well, let me show you.

So did we get to the movie on time? NO. Did we watch Inception? NO. Were there any seats left? NO. We ended up watching Predator. It was a good movie, but still. Damn it.

WTF CANDY! You Strange Dog

My freakin' 3 year old chihuahua woke me up at the crack of dawn today. She ran into my room(my door doesn't close...), jumped on my bed, and proceeded to say hello in her native tongue.

How Can Something So Little Produce So Much Spit!?

Even after she finally got tired of me pushing her off, she took up guard dog position at my door. At least then she was quiet. But it didn't last long. There was a loud knocking on the door, something similar to say, a fleet of rhinos trying to break through a wall during nuclear war. And Candy turned from fluffy doggy to terminator.

But then she saw who it was, realized she knew the person, and turned back into her usual fluffy energy ball.

If Dogs Could Talk, They Would Speak Like This. Trust me.

She's lucky she's so cute. Or else she'd be skinned for socks.

How To Choose A Major

As you already know from reading a previous post, I had as much trouble picking a major as anyone else in the world. My good friend, Gabriel, is still undecided, so I am writing this post with him as my muse, a post to end all suffering for freshmen and seniors alike.

I will tell you the secret. I will tell you HOW to pick a major.

BUT WAIT! Not only will I tell you how, but for three monthly payments of 29.99, I can also be your independent major mentor, and follow you around until you have finally decided on something! Just click here to get started!

I will ALSO show you how to be happy with your decisions. So, let's get started!

First, you will want to pick one career title you really wanted to be when you were in high school or elementary. This step is very important. Don't worry, this is by no means your final decision. After settling down on one, make sure to tell everyone you know(and tell your parents to tell everyone they know) about your future trials and tribulations on the road towards doctor, lawyer, neurologist(this one was mine), etc. Now, you need to pretend like this is a complete reality. Sell your story!

Don't be afraid to tell people you don't know either!

The next step is to throw away money on random courses you don't need and/or have absolutely no interest in. This will allow you to increase your love for subjects you thought you hated before. That is, before taking some of the world's worst classes.

History of Corn?...

Golf Management?! Can it get any worse?

COLLEGE ALGEBRA KILLS GIRAFFES!

After taking the courses from the previous step, make a list of every class you've taken and order them from least to most liked. Those at the top of your list are courses that may lead to a career you can bear to do for the next 30-50 years(depending on whether or not you get insurance benefits).

Now that you have a major, you should be happy. Wait, what? You're not? No problemo. Just keep yourself constantly distracted from your dim future using any activity you prefer.

Video Games is All Life Consuming

And if all else fails, you could always live in a box. They're free at BJ's. And Walmart. : D

The Pros and Cons of Staying Home From Summer Courses

Today is Tuesday. Right now, I'm supposed to be sitting in a classroom with my "I'M JUST GONNA SOAK THIS ALL UP" face, which is essentially a mix between a super creepy stalker and a really excited 4-year old.

But instead, I'm sitting at my desk writing about how I didn't go to school, wearing my pink panther jammies and eating microwavable velveeta mac and cheese.

The answer is yes, it is awesome.

So here's the nifty devil's list that tricked me into not going to school today.

And there you have it! Absolute proof that going to school today would have made no sense. 

Just look at all the stuff I would've missed out! I hope I don't get into a habit of making pro/con lists for every school day....

Things My Mother Drew With My New Tablet

As the title suggest, I finally got a tablet! Which is why my drawings went from this...

To this...

That's because I had been using ms paint. I still do, but not as much.
So, last night my mother came into my room while I was using the tablet. She ooed and awed as I moved my pen around. She looked really excited so I decided to teach her how to use it. Here's what she drew.

First, she attempted to draw a foot. Why did she draw a foot? Because she was complaining about how I draw feet so I challenged her to it. Not so easy, she realized. Oh, and those two bell shaped things in the upper right corner are boobs. Yep, my 50 year old, Hispanic mother drew boobs.

Then she went on to play tic-tac-toe by herself and drew a graph for no apparent reason. She hates math so it would make no sense for her to draw anything potentially related to numbers.

And after nearly 10 minutes of practice, she became more skilled. Now she was drawing at a 2nd grade level! My brother and I were very excited for her. : D As you can see, she did NOT draw any boobs or play line games with herself. Instead, she drew a family fishing in a sea surround by what looks like apple trees and paperclip fishes. Look, she even signed and dated it all professional like.

Ah, my mother. I love her.